Whichever way you cut it, that’s a whole lot of maniacs.
A kind of psychotic Brigadoon, Two Thousand Maniacs! features a town of ghosts which appear every 100 years in order to slaughter passers-by. And very inventive methods of slaughter they use too - one poor chap is sealed in a nail-lined barrel and rolled down a hill.
This movie gives further proof that old horror film makers didn’t know what colour blood is. It also features the world’s most unconvincing large rock.
Favourite bit: The old man in the hat (The Mayor?) joyously burning a piece of paper in a lamp, with no explanation given whatsoever. IMDB LINK
Village of the Giants
1965, Directed by Bert I. Gordon
Bloody teenagers - always drinking magic potions, growing to huge proportions and taking over villages. Back in my day we were content to be werewolves.
Unlike most real-life experimental drug trials, the kids don’t seem to suffer any negative side effects. Well, apart from the way they move v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y.
Apparently Happy Days veteran and big-shot director Ron Howard plays the genius who makes the growth potion, but I couldn’t spot him in the trailer. Interestingly, this film was directed by Bert I. Gordon who seemed to specialise in making movies where things were too big or small. He was probably a midget or a basketball player.
Favourite bit: The ridiculously spindly fake giant legs which the woman on the motorbike winds a rope around. IMDB LINK
SPECIAL BONUS CLIP: This scene really has to be seen…
Asylum of Satan
1975, Directed by William Girdler
Asylums are bad enough as it is, but asylums of Satan? They’re the worst kind!
Recycled footage and dull love scenes water down this trailer considerably. I can’t help feeling that the music is far too funky - “Funky Asylum of Satan” would be a better title, though.
Not-quite-cameos: One of the police-types running around near the end looks a bit like Columbo, and the false-bearded demonic psychiatrist sounds exactly like Agent Smith from the Matrix.
Favourite bit: The face of the Devil Beast near the end. They really weren’t trying too hard, were they? IMDB LINK
The Evil
AKAHouse of Evil, Cry Demon
1978, Directed by Gus Trikonis
Some fairly standard haunted house antics on show here. The Devil’s living in the basement or something, and his infinite wickedness manifests in ways that require very little special effects.
I can’t imagine that there are many actual frights in the movie. The last part of the trailer consists almost entirely of a bearded man sliding about which doesn’t bode well. And if the appalling ‘ghost’ that appears in the corridor is a good indication of the special effects on offer, you’ll see better defined images by applying pressure to your eyeballs.
Favourite bit: “When you think you’re free… You might be dead!” Nope, pretty sure you’re not dead if you’re thinking. Cogito Ergo Sum and all that… IMDB LINK
Mission Mars
1968, Directed by Nicholas Webster
This zero budget science-nonsense looks even worse than recent Mars movies Red Planet and Mission to Mars, and that’s saying something.
As far as I can ascertain: The guy who played Kolchak the Night Stalker flies to a giant mouldy tennis ball in a Fairy Liquid bottle, and finds a much smaller mouldy tennis ball which contains an alien speaker system. And at some point he has sex on a beach. It’s hard to believe that 2001: A Space Odyssey was released in the same year.
Favourite bit: The design of the astronaut’s helmets which are open at the bottom. I’m no expert, but I strongly believe that would be something of a health hazard on the surface of Mars. IMDB LINK
The Killer Shrews
1959, Directed by Ray Kellogg
Shrews are tiny little rodents with a slightly amusing name. Who thought it would be a good idea to make a film about how terrifying they are? Apparently Jay Simms did, as he wrote this.
The special effects really let this one down. The giant killer shrews are obviously just dogs with rugs thrown over them, and the model used for the close-up is unbelievably bad. I did like the shrieking sounds, though. And how can you not love a film which contains the line “The shrews were out there! I couldn’t take the chance!”
Also: I presume the word “What” is missing from the very start of this trailer. Although as it stands, “Could be more terrifying” is a fairly accurate description.
Favourite bit: The close-up of the Killer Shrew’s face as it comes through a door. Classic. IMDB LINK
