AKA Mace the Outcast

1983, Directed by Lucio Fulci

Wow, that’s a mighty over-long and silent logo sequence at the start.

Italian gore-meister Lucio Fulci turns his hand to swords and sorcery with a kind of Diet Conan offering.  People fall down in water and sticks are blocked with bits of string, all to a very eighties synth soundtrack.  Sadly we’re not treated to any of the over the top gore effects that contributed to the film’s 18 certificate.

So as far as I can make out plot-wise:  The heroes need to defeat a female, semi-naked snake-charming Destro from GI Joe.  And they do this by getting hold of the Ranger’s bow from the old Dungeons and Dragons cartoon.  I approve.

I’m slightly worried by the Charles Manson-seque symbol tattooed into the hero’s forehead, though.

Favourite bit: The juddery bow flying into the chap’s hand at the start.

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AKA The Sun Demon, Blood on his Lips



1959, Directed by Robert Clarke & Tom Boutross

Sunlight turns a man into a rubbery lizard thing. Would a really strong modern suntan lotion stop his transformations?

This looks like fairly standard bloke-turns-into-a-psycho-monster tale from the fifties - apparently the mutation is triggered by a radioactive experiment gone awry, so it really does tick all the appropriate boxes.

Intriguingly, comedian Jay Leno led an eighties comedy re-dubbing of the movie called “What’s Up, Hideous Sun Demon?” which by all accounts is very rude.

Why is it relevant that the monster is hideous? Is there a Beautiful Sun Demon out there somewhere and we need to differentiate the two? Maybe if we stopped insulting him he wouldn’t kill so many people.

Favourite bit: The odd gurgling noises the Sun Demon makes.

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AKA Lady Karate, Female Fighting Fist in Danger



1974, Directed by Kazuhiko Yamaguchi

Action! Karate! Screaming! Weird pseudo-levitation! An awkward looking sex scene! And possibly the least convincing dummy-falling-off-a-bridge scene in history!

Sister Street Fighter seems like a fairly standard seventies kung-fu flick, with plenty of punches, kicks and weird set-pieces. It’s an obvious off-shoot of the popular Street Fighter movies, and the mighty Sonny Chiba himself even appears in a few scenes to help things along as violently as possible.

This trailer is almost totally incoherent, and apparently the plot of the full movie is pretty much nonsense. It does looks like a whole lot of fun, though, and I think that’s what they were aiming for.

I believe this is the first movie featured on Trailer Club 70 which has been released on blu-ray (on the same disc as its sequel.) Just imagine how bad that falling dummy must look in high definition.

Favourite bit: The guy with his head stuck in the wall right at the start.

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AKA Monster from Mars, Monsters from the Moon



1953, Directed by Phil Tucker

Oh, don’t look at me like that. I had to put it on here eventually.

The most infamously lazy monster design in history terrifies mankind by playing with a bubble machine. Great. Although he also apparently has the power to unleash terrifying dinosaur footage edited out of another movie, One Million B.C.

The wonderfully over-the-top voice-over really puts the ‘hyper’ in hyperbole. “Robot Monster brings you an actual preview of the devastating forces of our future!” So our future consists of gorillas with diving helmets and bubble machines? Not sure if I’m looking forward to that or not, to be honest.

Favourite bit: The end plate with the alternate title Monster from Mars. The monster shown is clearly just a welder.

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AKA Beasts, Island of the Twilight People



1973, Directed by Eddie Romero

Supernatural science? Aren’t those two terms mutually exclusive?

This is a hideous low-budget version of H. G. Well’s The Island of Dr. Moreau, and it really isn’t afraid to show it. Crappy prosthetics, gaudy red blood, rubbish fangs and constant stock animal noises are all in evidence. They must have spent most of the budget on Pam Grier.

Not much imagination went into this trailer. “Let’s splice together all the bits where people are hit with the butt of a rifle! That’ll get the punters in!” Some nice alliteration in the voice-over though.

The bat man (called “Darmo” apparently) is rapidly becoming one of my favourite characters ever. He’s like Dracula envisioned by a five-year-old.

Favourite bit: The bat man’s wonderfully unconvincing flight.

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1961, Directed by Roger Corman

OK, the monster looks like a mouldy Homer Simpson. Let’s get that out of the way early on.

A gangster’s plan to make off with a large proportion of Cuba’s treasury is thwarted by the presence of Mouldy Homer, who uses his bizarre pencil-fingers to do away with various crew members. The victims should have tried poking him in his giant goggly eyes.

This is a rarity from B-movie master Roger Corman - a tongue-in-cheek parody of B-movie horror rather than actual B-movie horror. However, due to idiocy amongst its distributors, the movie was advertised as a serious monster flick, which misled and disappointed movie-goers.

Favourite bit: The monster. Undoubtedly.

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1965, Directed by Gordon Flemyng

“Men of steel”? They’re obviously not men, are they? Tch.

A strange off-shoot and ‘re-imagining’ of the terrifyingly long-running TV series Doctor Who, this was made to cash in on the ‘Dalekmania’ of the time. Which was a bit like Beatlemania, only it involved less music and more extermination and steam.

The TV Doctor character was ditched for a human inventor played by Peter Cushing, apparently as he was more well known to the American market. Veteran trumpeter and all-round nice guy Roy Castle appears as… well… himself, and a couple of kids tag along too to add a human element. The Daleks themselves seem to come in every imaginable colour and flavour, and seemingly explode at the drop of a hat.

This did well enough to spawn a sequel (Daleks’ Invasion Earth: 2150 A.D.) where the steam-shooting pepperpots lay waste to a future Earth, although from what I remember their vision of London in 2150 was exactly like London actually was in 1950.

Favourite bit: At the start when Peter Cushing is speaking and the camera cuts to Roy Castle looking shifty, despite the way he’s obviously looking shocked and apologetic immediately before. And after.

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1962, Directed by Ishiro Honda

Now this is what it’s all about - two blokes in rubber suits beating the crap out of each other while Tokyo falls down around them.

The King Kong suit looks a bit of an embarrassment, especially next to the rather nifty Godzilla one. Its pectoral muscles are nearly down at its waist! “Bloke from a Fancy Dress Party vs Godzilla” would be more accurate.

As with many such Japanese monster movies, the US version replaces a lot of the original scenes with localised versions. This movie takes it a bit further though - the Japanese original was a satire on commercialism, but the American release removes the humourous elements entirely. This left a much inferior, serious science fiction effort.

If you’re wondering - King Kong wins. (In both versions, despite the persistent false rumour that Godzilla wins in the original Japanese film.)

Favourite bit: “They are natural enemies.” So giant gorillas and mutant lizards are natural enemies? Who carried out the research to discover that?

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AKA One-Armed Boxer II, The One Armed Boxer vs. the Flying Guillotine



1975, Directed by Yu Wang

It’s that rarest of things - a movie on this site that I’d actually quite like to watch!

A sequel to popular martial arts flick The One-Armed Boxer, this features possibly the most unrealistic weapon ever - a small be-fanged pair of circular curtains which cuts people’s heads off. And it’s wielded by an astonishingly angry old man with frankly terrifying eyebrows.

The real star of the show is the Indian chap (who is quite obviously someone Chinese wearing make-up) and his zero-budget stretchy arms. Dhalsim from Street Fighter II may have copied this idea, but at least his limbs weren’t quite obviously broom handles shoved up some elongated sleeves.

The actual kung-fu action looks pretty good though, and there seem to be some interesting stunt scenes such as the barefoot balancing on knives.

Favourite bit: It’s a tie between the old bloke jumping through the roof of his house at the start, and Mr. Broom-Handle-Arms.

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1961, Directed by Poul Bang and Sidney W. Pink

Some decidedly dodgy special effects on display in this monster movie. The green acid-spit / fire effect from the monster is appalling - at least they convinced some real people to ride their bicycles off a bridge.

Watch the trailer again, and keep an eye on the guy’s hair at 54 seconds in. When he receives bad news it almost flies off the top of his head.

Spolier! They appear to show the monster dying halfway through. Didn’t that ruin the ending of the full movie for everyone…?

Favourite bit: The shocked look on the face of the scientist with the glasses - I think we can assume that acting wasn’t his main job.

IMDB LINK