Oh no! Evil Space Moustache Overlord has outlawed sex! Better sing a few songs and dress up as rabbits, then. That’ll sort things out.
This is certainly the only musical-comedy-sci-fi-softcore-porn retelling of Cinderella I’ve ever heard of. Pity it looks so unamusing, although a lot of that may be down to the incredibly boring voice-over bloke.
Sadly “Hollywood’s Newest Discovery” Catharine Erhardt wasn’t discovered very successfully, as she only appeared in one more film and a single episode of LA Law. But she did star in the infamously perverse porno-horror Through the Looking Glass, so that’s something to tell her grandchildren when they’re over 18.
Action! Karate! Screaming! Weird pseudo-levitation! An awkward looking sex scene! And possibly the least convincing dummy-falling-off-a-bridge scene in history!
Sister Street Fighter seems like a fairly standard seventies kung-fu flick, with plenty of punches, kicks and weird set-pieces. It’s an obvious off-shoot of the popular Street Fighter movies, and the mighty Sonny Chiba himself even appears in a few scenes to help things along as violently as possible.
This trailer is almost totally incoherent, and apparently the plot of the full movie is pretty much nonsense. It does looks like a whole lot of fun, though, and I think that’s what they were aiming for.
I believe this is the first movie featured on Trailer Club 70 which has been released on blu-ray (on the same disc as its sequel.) Just imagine how bad that falling dummy must look in high definition.
Favourite bit: The guy with his head stuck in the wall right at the start. IMDB LINK
Wheels of Fire
AKADesert Warrior, Pyro, Vindicator
1985, Directed by Cirio Santiago
Have you seen Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior? If not, ask the people who produced this movie about it. They seem to have studied it fairly closely…
Wheels of Fire looks like a heady mix of Mad Max 2, Mad Max 2, softcore pornography and Mad Max 2. With the addition of the Morlocks from H.G. Wells’ The Time Machine running about on a bridge.
A huge cast of extras and some fairly impressive looking car smashes feature alongside some utterly appalling acting. Has there ever been a post-apocalyptic daytime soap opera? If not, I’ve no idea where they found the cast for this.
Incidentally, what is going on around 1:38? It looks like the beginnings of a very odd sex scene indeed.
Favourite bit: The hero apparently jumping off a twenty-foot-high tower and landing safely by slightly bending his knees. IMDB LINK
Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity
1987, Directed by Ken Dixon
Hmmm… Slaves from beyond infinity all look like models, wear only bikinis and have naturally occurring make-up? So that’s why Buzz Lightyear was always talking about going there.
This space-fantasy-meets-ultra-softcore-porno seems to have its tongue firmly planted in its cheek, which is a very good thing indeed. Especially when you have robots with shoulderpads.
The plot is based around The Most Dangerous Game so we can safely assume the crossbow-wielding villain is hunting the escaped slaves for sport. Most ungentlemanly. Let’s hope the hairspray-addicted heroines triumph in the end! You know, like they inevitably will.
Bizarre trailer editing decision: Watch the alien hunchback being killed by a magic exploding mace, then immediately cut to it alive and being shot in the shoulder.
Favourite bit: “Have you got a knife?” “Only this!” “…It’ll have to do.” IMDB LINK
Chappaqua
1966, Directed by Conrad Rooks
No, your speakers have not broken. There is no sound at the very start of this trailer.
Conrad Rooks wrote, directed and starred in this seemingly autobiographical tale of an extended cold turkey session, undertaken after 5 years of solid drug addiction. Sounds jolly!
I’d never heard of Rooks but he appears to have been at the heart of the sixties psychedelia scene if this movie’s cameos are anything to go by - Allen Ginsberg, Ravi Shankar and William S. Burroughs himself all appear as actors. Far out, etc.
This trailer has a distinctly art-school feel about it - I have a horrible feeling Chappaqua was some kind of trippy vanity project for Rooks. I’d lay down money that there is no coherent plot and dull, extended hallucination scenes. Hey, it did win the Silver Lion Award for pretentious self-indulgence at the Venice Film Festival…
Favourite bit: “I withdraw from the case!” IMDB LINK
The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik Yak
AKAGwendoline
1984, Directed by Just Jaeckin
Stupid title? Check. Bad acting? Check. Crap dialogue? Check. Sexist tosh? Check. Crappy sub-music-video sets? Check. Looks good? Does it Heck…
This trailer screams “eighties!” from every orifice, and not in a good way. And much of it makes no sense - what’s the deal with the grape on a string and the flying trident at the end? Why would you put such a meaningless scene into a promotional trailer? Why am I wasting time thinking about this?
This movie looks like a complete pile of steaming horse excrement. I’m not sure I can think of anything I’d like to see less than this. I think this may count as an anti-trailer, in fact.
A bit of comedy, a bit of heavy-handed political allegory and a fair chunk of softcore pornography combine to make Sunset Cove, one of those low-budget movies that David Carradine appeared in during the late seventies.
Those pesky property developers want to build condos on the beach, and only a ragtag band of clichéd idiots and underwear models can stop them! And a naked Clark Kent on a motorcycle. We don’t know if the very bored sounding voice-over woman makes an appearance, though.
Bad luck if you’d like to watch the full movie - It’s classified as ‘lost’ because there are no known copies in existence. Though it doesn’t seem like a great loss to society, it’s always sad when something’s gone forever.
Also: Don’t confuse this movie with Malibu Beach, another beach movie which was released the same year and was known as Sunset Cove in the UK.
Favourite bit: “Someday, I’m gonna shoot your nuts off.” IMDB LINK
The Bullet Machine
AKAClegg, Harry and the Hookers
1969, Directed by Lindsay Shonteff
“This cool cat calls the shots!” Cool cat? He looks like a supply teacher.
This film is what happens when low brow meets low budgets. When the narrator says that there’s plenty of feedback, he probably means the microphone wasn’t plugged in correctly during filming.
Favourite bit: The purring farmer, who is punched and then run over. IMDB LINK
When Women Had Tails
1970, Directed by Pasquale Festa Campanile
Hurry, hurry, hurry away from the cinema before this load of tosh is shown!
Some “wacky” cavemen provide low-quality slapstick, poop jokes and a hint of pornography and homophobia! Classy. And to further add to the class, the trailer sells the movie on the possibility that you’ll see the breasts of respected German actress Senta Berger.
The good news is that there is no DVD release of this movie, so it can’t be bought for you by a spiteful relative at Christmas. But tragically, this steaming pile of concentrated horribleness spawned a sequel - When Women Lost Their Tails. WHY?
The voice-over claims: “It’s funny. It’s sexy. It’s the craziest motion picture ever seen.” There doesn’t seem to be much evidence to back up those claims in this trailer.
A low budget attempt to appeal to the teenagers of 1976, ‘The Pom Pom Girls’ appears to be nothing more than a bad attempt at comedy strung together with some ultra-softcore pornography. The voice-over woman sounds like she’s overdosed on horse tranquilisers, and that’s probably the best state to be in if you have to watch this movie.
Favourite bit: The bottom wiggling, bikini-clad girls at the start. Obviously. IMDB LINK
This site is
rated
15
Due to strong bloody horror and
occasional breast exposure.
