1977, Directed by Al Adamson

Oh no! Evil Space Moustache Overlord has outlawed sex! Better sing a few songs and dress up as rabbits, then. That’ll sort things out.

This is certainly the only musical-comedy-sci-fi-softcore-porn retelling of Cinderella I’ve ever heard of. Pity it looks so unamusing, although a lot of that may be down to the incredibly boring voice-over bloke.

Sadly “Hollywood’s Newest Discovery” Catharine Erhardt wasn’t discovered very successfully, as she only appeared in one more film and a single episode of LA Law. But she did star in the infamously perverse porno-horror Through the Looking Glass, so that’s something to tell her grandchildren when they’re over 18.

Favourite bit: The haircuts.

IMDB LINK

1961, Directed by Roger Corman

OK, the monster looks like a mouldy Homer Simpson. Let’s get that out of the way early on.

A gangster’s plan to make off with a large proportion of Cuba’s treasury is thwarted by the presence of Mouldy Homer, who uses his bizarre pencil-fingers to do away with various crew members. The victims should have tried poking him in his giant goggly eyes.

This is a rarity from B-movie master Roger Corman - a tongue-in-cheek parody of B-movie horror rather than actual B-movie horror. However, due to idiocy amongst its distributors, the movie was advertised as a serious monster flick, which misled and disappointed movie-goers.

Favourite bit: The monster. Undoubtedly.

IMDB LINK

1977, Directed by Herb Robins

Ugh. “I know! Let’s make a movie where loads of people eat worms! Real worms! Hahahaha!” You’d expect anyone saying that to sober up and forget about it, not make the damn film.

Not that you’d know from the trailer, but the plot involves a magical worm-controlling hermit hiding said annelids in a town’s food. The consumers then turn into half-worm creatures, and thus come under the control of the hermit.

Produced by Ted V. Mikels, one of the godfathers of slightly crappy cinema, this effort mixes gratuitous real-life worm murder with z-grade special effects to create something deeply pointless. The Worm Eaters frequently features on lists of the worst movies ever made, and it’s not hard to see why…

Favourite bit: The half-worm people - they’ve just got their legs in sleeping bags.

IMDB LINK

AKA Legend in Leotards



1983, Directed by Phillipe Mora

Well, this goes to show that Christopher Lee has had some really odd roles in his career…

A musical comedy about an alcoholic ex-superhero? Can we predict that the plot involves Mr. Midnight attacking America, The Government calling in the help of a reluctant Captain Invincible, the Captain getting his powers back, battling his demons then defeating Mr. Midnight? I think we comfortably can. Let’s hope the heavy dollop of silliness present in the trailer makes it a fun ride.

Apparently some of the songs were actually written by Rocky Horror creator Richard O’Brien, hence the similarity in sound.

Favourite bit: Christopher Lee singing about booze with a goblin.

IMDB LINK

AKA Save Our Beach



1978, Directed by Al Adamson

A bit of comedy, a bit of heavy-handed political allegory and a fair chunk of softcore pornography combine to make Sunset Cove, one of those low-budget movies that David Carradine appeared in during the late seventies.

Those pesky property developers want to build condos on the beach, and only a ragtag band of clichéd idiots and underwear models can stop them! And a naked Clark Kent on a motorcycle. We don’t know if the very bored sounding voice-over woman makes an appearance, though.

Bad luck if you’d like to watch the full movie - It’s classified as ‘lost’ because there are no known copies in existence. Though it doesn’t seem like a great loss to society, it’s always sad when something’s gone forever.

Also: Don’t confuse this movie with Malibu Beach, another beach movie which was released the same year and was known as Sunset Cove in the UK.

Favourite bit: “Someday, I’m gonna shoot your nuts off.”

IMDB LINK

1965, Directed by David L. Hewitt

The voice-over goon is more interested in hyping “Fantastic Horror Vision” than actually telling you anything about the movie, which is a shame. The “Horror Vision” consisted of a chap in a gorilla suit running into the audience and making off with an actress planted in the cinema, who then ‘magically’ appear on the screen.

So, plotwise, some girls decide to spend the night in a haunted house, where they are abducted by a crazed scientist and his pasty-faced accomplice, and one of the girls is turned into a very unconvincing gorilla. Groooooovy.

Incidentally, none of the girls are actually wearing pyjamas. BLATANT FALSE ADVERTISING.

Favourite bit: The gorilla’s act when it wakes up on the table.

IMDB LINK

1970, Directed by Pasquale Festa Campanile

Hurry, hurry, hurry away from the cinema before this load of tosh is shown!

Some “wacky” cavemen provide low-quality slapstick, poop jokes and a hint of pornography and homophobia! Classy. And to further add to the class, the trailer sells the movie on the possibility that you’ll see the breasts of respected German actress Senta Berger.

The good news is that there is no DVD release of this movie, so it can’t be bought for you by a spiteful relative at Christmas. But tragically, this steaming pile of concentrated horribleness spawned a sequel - When Women Lost Their Tails. WHY?

Favourite bit: When it ended.

IMDB LINK

1972, Directed by John Cardos

An early attempt at comedy horror! Although there isn’t much comedy evident in the trailer. Does the shocked photo of a sailor count?

Presumably the titular Undertaker tries to drum up business by sending out his “Pals” to murder people. I can’t imagine dipping people in acid and sticking corpses through a meat grinder did much to promote a positive image of his business, however.

In the unlikely event that you want to get hold of this film on DVD I strongly recommend you get it as part of the “Flesh Feast” set which features four movies and, bizarrely, sells for eight times less than The Undertaker… on it’s own.

Favourite bit: The voice-over from the “Producer”.

IMDB LINK

AKA Palisades High



1976, Directed by Joseph Ruben

The voice-over claims: “It’s funny. It’s sexy. It’s the craziest motion picture ever seen.” There doesn’t seem to be much evidence to back up those claims in this trailer.

A low budget attempt to appeal to the teenagers of 1976, ‘The Pom Pom Girls’ appears to be nothing more than a bad attempt at comedy strung together with some ultra-softcore pornography. The voice-over woman sounds like she’s overdosed on horse tranquilisers, and that’s probably the best state to be in if you have to watch this movie.

Favourite bit: The bottom wiggling, bikini-clad girls at the start. Obviously.

IMDB LINK

AKA Super Snooper



1980, Directed by Sergio Corbucci

An indestructible, psychokinetic policeman who keeps jumping out of windows? The worst nightmare of every criminal! And glazier.

This comedy really doesn’t look as hilarious as the voice-over man would have us believe. Lots of slapstick and face pulling and not much else - but who knows, maybe they left all the good bits out of the trailer.

And yes, at the end he ‘hilariously’ shoots a nuclear missile out of the sky, surely killing hundreds of thousands of innocent people. Ho ho! Actually, I have to doff my cap to any comedy which features both public executions and thermonuclear explosions.

Favourite bit: The look on Superfuzz’s face as he’s being electrocuted.

IMDB LINK