AKA Mace the Outcast

1983, Directed by Lucio Fulci

Wow, that’s a mighty over-long and silent logo sequence at the start.

Italian gore-meister Lucio Fulci turns his hand to swords and sorcery with a kind of Diet Conan offering.  People fall down in water and sticks are blocked with bits of string, all to a very eighties synth soundtrack.  Sadly we’re not treated to any of the over the top gore effects that contributed to the film’s 18 certificate.

So as far as I can make out plot-wise:  The heroes need to defeat a female, semi-naked snake-charming Destro from GI Joe.  And they do this by getting hold of the Ranger’s bow from the old Dungeons and Dragons cartoon.  I approve.

I’m slightly worried by the Charles Manson-seque symbol tattooed into the hero’s forehead, though.

Favourite bit: The juddery bow flying into the chap’s hand at the start.

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AKA Legend in Leotards



1983, Directed by Phillipe Mora

Well, this goes to show that Christopher Lee has had some really odd roles in his career…

A musical comedy about an alcoholic ex-superhero? Can we predict that the plot involves Mr. Midnight attacking America, The Government calling in the help of a reluctant Captain Invincible, the Captain getting his powers back, battling his demons then defeating Mr. Midnight? I think we comfortably can. Let’s hope the heavy dollop of silliness present in the trailer makes it a fun ride.

Apparently some of the songs were actually written by Rocky Horror creator Richard O’Brien, hence the similarity in sound.

Favourite bit: Christopher Lee singing about booze with a goblin.

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AKA Gwendoline



1984, Directed by Just Jaeckin

Stupid title? Check. Bad acting? Check. Crap dialogue? Check. Sexist tosh? Check. Crappy sub-music-video sets? Check. Looks good? Does it Heck…

This trailer screams “eighties!” from every orifice, and not in a good way. And much of it makes no sense - what’s the deal with the grape on a string and the flying trident at the end? Why would you put such a meaningless scene into a promotional trailer? Why am I wasting time thinking about this?

This movie looks like a complete pile of steaming horse excrement. I’m not sure I can think of anything I’d like to see less than this. I think this may count as an anti-trailer, in fact.

Favourite bit: The title.

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1961, Directed by Barry Mahon

Possibly the worst voice-over ever! It sounds like it was recorded by someone’s bank manager putting on a funny voice, and features far too many small details.

Some really bad dancing and very tame kissing on offer in this one. The most unforgettable scenes ever brought to the screen? Somehow I doubt it…

“VIOLATED by a sailor” would be a great T-short slogan, incidentally.

Favourite bit: The incredibly goofy looking Sea God idol.

IMDB LINK