Trailer Club 70

Conquest

Sun, 28 Nov 2010 14:40:00 +0000

AKA Mace the Outcast

1983, Directed by Lucio Fulci

Wow, that’s a mighty over-long and silent logo sequence at the start.

Italian gore-meister Lucio Fulci turns his hand to swords and sorcery with a kind of Diet Conan offering. People fall down in water and sticks are blocked with bits of string, all to a very eighties synth soundtrack. Sadly we’re not treated to any of the over the top gore effects that contributed to the film’s 18 certificate.

So as far as I can make out plot-wise: The heroes need to defeat a female, semi-naked snake-charming Destro from GI Joe. And they do this by getting hold of the Ranger’s bow from the old Dungeons and Dragons cartoon. I approve.

I’m slightly worried by the Charles Manson-seque symbol tattooed into the hero’s forehead, though.

Favourite bit: The juddery bow flying into the chap’s hand at the start.

IMDB LINK

Madhouse

Tue, 04 May 2010 17:59:00 +0100

AKA The Madhouse of Dr. Fear, The Revenge of Dr. Death

1974, Directed by Jim Clark

Now this is what it’s all about - thirty seconds of shrieking and weird-masked murderers.

I absolutely love how the narrator builds everything up to be a horrifying experience, then deflates the whole mood by revealing the movie is rated PG. You couldn’t make it up, etc.

In case you’re wondering what this film is all about - Vincent Price plays an actor who is released from a mental institution. The character he plays in horror movies then seems to take on a life of its own and start murdering people without Price being present. Peter Cushing is involved somewhere.

I will say one thing in Madhouse’s defence - the blobby fanged mask the murderer wears is pretty cool.

Favourite bit: “Rated PG.” Of course.

IMDB LINK

Disco Godfather

Thu, 04 Mar 2010 13:42:00 +0000

AKA Avenging Disco Godfather

1979, Directed by J. Robert Wagoner

Everybody got their seventies bingo card ready? Get ready to tick off… Dancing, snogging, unconvincing facial hair, drugs, martial arts and roller skates.

Lacking any real plot hints in the trailer, a bit of research has pieced together a rough synopsis. Apparently the irritating shouty DJ is a retired kung-fu cop and he sets about beating up some drug dealers who get his nephew addicted. There also appears to be quite a lot of dancing.

Clearly the way for the authorities to deal with the trade in illegal substances is to set up kung-fu discos in every neighbourhood. I’m sure the dealers will give up after having the funk beaten out of them a few times after being told to ‘put their weight on it.’

Stubborn celebrity anecdote: Quentin Tarantino paid to see this film, even after the people working at the cinema warned him not to.

Favourite bit: The repeated use of the same sound effect for nearly every punch and kick.

IMDB LINK

House

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 16:37:00 +0000

AKA Hausu

1977, Directed by Nobuhiko Obayashi

Now this is what it’s all about - a seventies trailer of such batshit insanity that it makes you feel confused and upset by the end of it.

So what’s happening here? Starting off with some genuinely creepy goings on, it suddenly turns into a jolly teen musical, then with a terrible animated special effect we’re back into creepsville. Then at 1:10 everything goes mental and we’re assaulted with screeching cats, man-eating pianos and goodness only knows what else.

A surreal and almost psychadelic mix of horror and absurdist humour, House assaults the senses with a cavalcade of ropey blue-screen effects and silliness. And excellently it’s just been released on DVD in the UK so you can give yourself a migraine whenever you fancy! Just don’t get it confused with the better known American horror of the same name released in 1986.

Bonus: You really must see these extra clips below. Seriously. I’m not kidding.
Piano Death, Banana Scene, Killer Lampshade.

Favourite bit: The disembodied fingers playing the piano.

IMDB LINK

Cinderella 2000

Tue, 19 Jan 2010 15:18:00 +0000

1977, Directed by Al Adamson

Oh no! Evil Space Moustache Overlord has outlawed sex! Better sing a few songs and dress up as rabbits, then. That’ll sort things out.

This is certainly the only musical-comedy-sci-fi-softcore-porn retelling of Cinderella I’ve ever heard of. Pity it looks so unamusing, although a lot of that may be down to the incredibly boring voice-over bloke.

Sadly “Hollywood’s Newest Discovery” Catharine Erhardt wasn’t discovered very successfully, as she only appeared in one more film and a single episode of LA Law. But she did star in the infamously perverse porno-horror Through the Looking Glass, so that’s something to tell her grandchildren when they’re over 18.

Favourite bit: The haircuts.

IMDB LINK

The Hideous Sun Demon

Sat, 16 Jan 2010 15:18:00 +0000

AKA The Sun Demon, Blood on his Lips

1959, Directed by Robert Clarke & Tom Boutross

Sunlight turns a man into a rubbery lizard thing. Would a really strong modern suntan lotion stop his transformations?

This looks like fairly standard bloke-turns-into-a-psycho-monster tale from the fifties - apparently the mutation is triggered by a radioactive experiment gone awry, so it really does tick all the appropriate boxes.

Intriguingly, comedian Jay Leno led an eighties comedy re-dubbing of the movie called “What’s Up, Hideous Sun Demon?” which by all accounts is very rude.

Why is it relevant that the monster is hideous? Is there a Beautiful Sun Demon out there somewhere and we need to differentiate the two? Maybe if we stopped insulting him he wouldn’t kill so many people.

Favourite bit: The odd gurgling noises the Sun Demon makes.

IMDB LINK

We're back, baby

Sat, 16 Jan 2010 13:44:00 +0000

Trailer Club 70 has returned with an entirely new look, but the same old content. Updates will recommence NOW.

I Married a Monster from Outer Space

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 14:39:00 +0100

1958, Directed by Gene Fowler Jr

Typical - you marry the man of your dreams and he turns out to be some kind of rubber alien.

Obvious parallels with The Invasion of the Body Snatchers aside, this looks like standard 50’s B-Movie fare. It serves up the standard menu of paranoia, dodgy special effects and men dressed up in funny Martian suits. However, unlike other 50’s B-movies this one is apparently quite good.

Several sources say that this movie was banned in Finland. I wonder why? It seems to be fairly harmless. I can only assume that Finnish Government were all secretly aliens at the time, and were worried that releasing the film would teach the population how to see through their disguises.

I Married a Monster from Outer Space was remade for television in 1998 as I Married a Monster, splendidly featuring the lead actors from the original as an old couple.

Favourite bit: The lightning-flash-evil-face-reveal, or LFEFR for short.

IMDB LINK

Sister Street Fighter

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 12:31:00 +0100

AKA Lady Karate, Female Fighting Fist in Danger

1974, Directed by Kazuhiko Yamaguchi

Action! Karate! Screaming! Weird pseudo-levitation! An awkward looking sex scene! And possibly the least convincing dummy-falling-off-a-bridge scene in history!

Sister Street Fighter seems like a fairly standard seventies kung-fu flick, with plenty of punches, kicks and weird set-pieces. It’s an obvious off-shoot of the popular Street Fighter movies, and the mighty Sonny Chiba himself even appears in a few scenes to help things along as violently as possible.

This trailer is almost totally incoherent, and apparently the plot of the full movie is pretty much nonsense. It does looks like a whole lot of fun, though, and I think that’s what they were aiming for.

I believe this is the first movie featured on Trailer Club 70 which has been released on blu-ray (on the same disc as its sequel.) Just imagine how bad that falling dummy must look in high definition.

Favourite bit: The guy with his head stuck in the wall right at the start.

IMDB LINK

Wheels of Fire

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 11:58:00 +0100

AKA Desert Warrior, Pyro, Vindicator

1985, Directed by Cirio Santiago

Have you seen Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior? If not, ask the people who produced this movie about it. They seem to have studied it fairly closely…

Wheels of Fire looks like a heady mix of Mad Max 2, Mad Max 2, softcore pornography and Mad Max 2. With the addition of the Morlocks from H.G. Wells’ The Time Machine running about on a bridge.

A huge cast of extras and some fairly impressive looking car smashes feature alongside some utterly appalling acting. Has there ever been a post-apocalyptic daytime soap opera? If not, I’ve no idea where they found the cast for this.

Incidentally, what is going on around 1:38? It looks like the beginnings of a very odd sex scene indeed.

Favourite bit: The hero apparently jumping off a twenty-foot-high tower and landing safely by slightly bending his knees.

IMDB LINK

Robot Monster

Mon, 04 May 2009 11:50:00 +0100

AKA Monster from Mars, Monsters from the Moon

1953, Directed by Phil Tucker

Oh, don’t look at me like that. I had to put it on here eventually.

The most infamously lazy monster design in history terrifies mankind by playing with a bubble machine. Great. Although he also apparently has the power to unleash terrifying dinosaur footage edited out of another movie, One Million B.C.

The wonderfully over-the-top voice-over really puts the ‘hyper’ in hyperbole. “Robot Monster brings you an actual preview of the devastating forces of our future!” So our future consists of gorillas with diving helmets and bubble machines? Not sure if I’m looking forward to that or not, to be honest.

Favourite bit: The end plate with the alternate title Monster from Mars. The monster shown is clearly just a welder.

IMDB LINK

Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity

Mon, 04 May 2009 11:42:00 +0100

1987, Directed by Ken Dixon

Hmmm… Slaves from beyond infinity all look like models, wear only bikinis and have naturally occurring make-up? So that’s why Buzz Lightyear was always talking about going there.

This space-fantasy-meets-ultra-softcore-porno seems to have its tongue firmly planted in its cheek, which is a very good thing indeed. Especially when you have robots with shoulderpads.

The plot is based around The Most Dangerous Game so we can safely assume the crossbow-wielding villain is hunting the escaped slaves for sport. Most ungentlemanly. Let’s hope the hairspray-addicted heroines triumph in the end! You know, like they inevitably will.

Bizarre trailer editing decision: Watch the alien hunchback being killed by a magic exploding mace, then immediately cut to it alive and being shot in the shoulder.

Favourite bit: “Have you got a knife?” “Only this!” “…It’ll have to do.”

IMDB LINK

The Twilight People

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 22:41:00 +0100

AKA Beasts, Island of the Twilight People

1973, Directed by Eddie Romero

Supernatural science? Aren’t those two terms mutually exclusive?

This is a hideous low-budget version of H. G. Well’s The Island of Dr. Moreau, and it really isn’t afraid to show it. Crappy prosthetics, gaudy red blood, rubbish fangs and constant stock animal noises are all in evidence. They must have spent most of the budget on Pam Grier.

Not much imagination went into this trailer. “Let’s splice together all the bits where people are hit with the butt of a rifle! That’ll get the punters in!” Some nice alliteration in the voice-over though.

The bat man (called “Darmo” apparently) is rapidly becoming one of my favourite characters ever. He’s like Dracula envisioned by a five-year-old.

Favourite bit: The bat man’s wonderfully unconvincing flight.

IMDB LINK

The Food of the Gods

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 22:33:00 +0100

AKA H. G. Wells’ Food of the Gods

1976, Directed by Bert I. Gordon

“Where does fiction end and reality begin?” Hint: Reality begins after all the giant chickens have gone.

Trailer Club favourite and size disparity specialist Bert I. Gordon presents another tale of wrongly-dimensioned things. Mostly big rats hassling people in shabby farmhouses, by the looks of it.

This trailer has a pretty strange format. It goes HG WELLS PROMO - BIG ANIMALS ATTACK - BIT OF TALKING - BIG ANIMALS ATTACK - BIG ANIMALS ATTACK - REQUEST FOR SEX - BIG ANIMALS ATTACK. Not sure what to make of that, to be honest.

“Will H. G. Wells most frightening prediction in ‘The Food of the Gods’ also prove accurate?” asks the voice-over bloke. As the only prediction we’ve seen is extremely silly, it’s fairly safe to say no…

Favourite bit: The giant mouse/rat at 1 minute in, which growls like a dog for some reason.

IMDB LINK

Something Weird

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 21:21:00 +0000

1967, Directed by Herschell G. Lewis

Only a madman could understand it all, they say. That’s not the best indication that a movie has a clear narrative…

The plot synopsis genuinely is something weird - a man is facially disfigured in an accident which also inexplicably gives him psychic powers. He is then coerced into shacking up with a grotesque shape-shifting witch who fixes his face, and they go off to banish ghosts and catch a serial killer. All in a day’s work.

Something Weird lacks the usual gore of Herschell Lewis’ movies, but makes up for it by not making much sense. Brilliantly, some people remember a “3D” version of this movie.

The excellent DVD company Something Weird Video took their name from this film - they specialise in hoovering up the rights to forgotten and strange old movies and releasing them to the home market before they’re lost forever. Trailer Club 70 salutes them.

Favourite bit: The incredibly sub-standard make-up on the witch. School panto a-go-go!

IMDB LINK

Creature from the Haunted Sea

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 21:16:00 +0000

1961, Directed by Roger Corman

OK, the monster looks like a mouldy Homer Simpson. Let’s get that out of the way early on.

A gangster’s plan to make off with a large proportion of Cuba’s treasury is thwarted by the presence of Mouldy Homer, who uses his bizarre pencil-fingers to do away with various crew members. The victims should have tried poking him in his giant goggly eyes.

This is a rarity from B-movie master Roger Corman - a tongue-in-cheek parody of B-movie horror rather than actual B-movie horror. However, due to idiocy amongst its distributors, the movie was advertised as a serious monster flick, which misled and disappointed movie-goers.

Favourite bit: The monster. Undoubtedly.

IMDB LINK

The Mysterians

Sat, 31 Jan 2009 21:04:00 +0000

AKA Earth Defense Force, Phantom 7000

1957, Directed by Ishiro Honda

They’ve come from beyond the stars to steal our women! By sending bubble-headed goons and a Godzilla-type thing.

There’s plenty of missiles, ray guns, floods and mayhem on show in this Japanese sci-fi flick. Which is how it should be, of course. I’m not sure if having the word “Mysterians” shouted by a different voice-over bloke was entirely necessary though.

Pointless Trivia! This movie’s original Japanese title is Chikyû Bôeigun (Lit. Earth Defence Force), the same name given to a series of video games based on a roughly similar premise, but with added giant insects. And early rock band Question Mark and the Mysterians were partially named after this movie.

Favourite bit: “Mogera”, the mole-faced giant robot that appears to be made out of corrugated boxes.

IMDB LINK

The Worm Eaters

Sat, 31 Jan 2009 20:55:00 +0000

1977, Directed by Herb Robins

Ugh. “I know! Let’s make a movie where loads of people eat worms! Real worms! Hahahaha!” You’d expect anyone saying that to sober up and forget about it, not make the damn film.

Not that you’d know from the trailer, but the plot involves a magical worm-controlling hermit hiding said annelids in a town’s food. The consumers then turn into half-worm creatures, and thus come under the control of the hermit.

Produced by Ted V. Mikels, one of the godfathers of slightly crappy cinema, this effort mixes gratuitous real-life worm murder with z-grade special effects to create something deeply pointless. The Worm Eaters frequently features on lists of the worst movies ever made, and it’s not hard to see why…

Favourite bit: The half-worm people - they’ve just got their legs in sleeping bags.

IMDB LINK

Dr. Who and the Daleks

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 18:49:00 +0000

1965, Directed by Gordon Flemyng

“Men of steel”? They’re obviously not men, are they? Tch.

A strange off-shoot and ‘re-imagining’ of the terrifyingly long-running TV series Doctor Who, this was made to cash in on the ‘Dalekmania’ of the time. Which was a bit like Beatlemania, only it involved less music and more extermination and steam.

The TV Doctor character was ditched for a human inventor played by Peter Cushing, apparently as he was more well known to the American market. Veteran trumpeter and all-round nice guy Roy Castle appears as… well… himself, and a couple of kids tag along too to add a human element. The Daleks themselves seem to come in every imaginable colour and flavour, and seemingly explode at the drop of a hat.

This did well enough to spawn a sequel (Daleks’ Invasion Earth: 2150 A.D.) where the steam-shooting pepperpots lay waste to a future Earth, although from what I remember their vision of London in 2150 was exactly like London actually was in 1950.

Favourite bit: At the start when Peter Cushing is speaking and the camera cuts to Roy Castle looking shifty, despite the way he’s obviously looking shocked and apologetic immediately before. And after.

IMDB LINK

The Return of Captain Invincible

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 19:03:00 +0000

AKA Legend in Leotards

1983, Directed by Phillipe Mora

Well, this goes to show that Christopher Lee has had some really odd roles in his career…

A musical comedy about an alcoholic ex-superhero? Can we predict that the plot involves Mr. Midnight attacking America, The Government calling in the help of a reluctant Captain Invincible, the Captain getting his powers back, battling his demons then defeating Mr. Midnight? I think we comfortably can. Let’s hope the heavy dollop of silliness present in the trailer makes it a fun ride.

Apparently some of the songs were actually written by Rocky Horror creator Richard O’Brien, hence the similarity in sound.

Favourite bit: Christopher Lee singing about booze with a goblin.

IMDB LINK