AKA Monster from Mars, Monsters from the Moon



1953, Directed by Phil Tucker

Oh, don’t look at me like that. I had to put it on here eventually.

The most infamously lazy monster design in history terrifies mankind by playing with a bubble machine. Great. Although he also apparently has the power to unleash terrifying dinosaur footage edited out of another movie, One Million B.C.

The wonderfully over-the-top voice-over really puts the ‘hyper’ in hyperbole. “Robot Monster brings you an actual preview of the devastating forces of our future!” So our future consists of gorillas with diving helmets and bubble machines? Not sure if I’m looking forward to that or not, to be honest.

Favourite bit: The end plate with the alternate title Monster from Mars. The monster shown is clearly just a welder.

IMDB LINK

1987, Directed by Ken Dixon

Hmmm… Slaves from beyond infinity all look like models, wear only bikinis and have naturally occurring make-up? So that’s why Buzz Lightyear was always talking about going there.

This space-fantasy-meets-ultra-softcore-porno seems to have its tongue firmly planted in its cheek, which is a very good thing indeed. Especially when you have robots with shoulderpads.

The plot is based around The Most Dangerous Game so we can safely assume the crossbow-wielding villain is hunting the escaped slaves for sport. Most ungentlemanly. Let’s hope the hairspray-addicted heroines triumph in the end! You know, like they inevitably will.

Bizarre trailer editing decision: Watch the alien hunchback being killed by a magic exploding mace, then immediately cut to it alive and being shot in the shoulder.

Favourite bit: “Have you got a knife?” “Only this!” “…It’ll have to do.”

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AKA Beasts, Island of the Twilight People



1973, Directed by Eddie Romero

Supernatural science? Aren’t those two terms mutually exclusive?

This is a hideous low-budget version of H. G. Well’s The Island of Dr. Moreau, and it really isn’t afraid to show it. Crappy prosthetics, gaudy red blood, rubbish fangs and constant stock animal noises are all in evidence. They must have spent most of the budget on Pam Grier.

Not much imagination went into this trailer. “Let’s splice together all the bits where people are hit with the butt of a rifle! That’ll get the punters in!” Some nice alliteration in the voice-over though.

The bat man (called “Darmo” apparently) is rapidly becoming one of my favourite characters ever. He’s like Dracula envisioned by a five-year-old.

Favourite bit: The bat man’s wonderfully unconvincing flight.

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AKA H. G. Wells’ Food of the Gods



1976, Directed by Bert I. Gordon

“Where does fiction end and reality begin?” Hint: Reality begins after all the giant chickens have gone.

Trailer Club favourite and size disparity specialist Bert I. Gordon presents another tale of wrongly-dimensioned things. Mostly big rats hassling people in shabby farmhouses, by the looks of it.

This trailer has a pretty strange format. It goes HG WELLS PROMO - BIG ANIMALS ATTACK - BIT OF TALKING - BIG ANIMALS ATTACK - BIG ANIMALS ATTACK - REQUEST FOR SEX - BIG ANIMALS ATTACK. Not sure what to make of that, to be honest.

“Will H. G. Wells most frightening prediction in ‘The Food of the Gods’ also prove accurate?” asks the voice-over bloke. As the only prediction we’ve seen is extremely silly, it’s fairly safe to say no…

Favourite bit: The giant mouse/rat at 1 minute in, which growls like a dog for some reason.

IMDB LINK

1967, Directed by Herschell G. Lewis

Only a madman could understand it all, they say. That’s not the best indication that a movie has a clear narrative…

The plot synopsis genuinely is something weird - a man is facially disfigured in an accident which also inexplicably gives him psychic powers. He is then coerced into shacking up with a grotesque shape-shifting witch who fixes his face, and they go off to banish ghosts and catch a serial killer. All in a day’s work.

Something Weird lacks the usual gore of Herschell Lewis’ movies, but makes up for it by not making much sense. Brilliantly, some people remember a “3D” version of this movie.

The excellent DVD company Something Weird Video took their name from this film - they specialise in hoovering up the rights to forgotten and strange old movies and releasing them to the home market before they’re lost forever. Trailer Club 70 salutes them.

Favourite bit: The incredibly sub-standard make-up on the witch. School panto a-go-go!

IMDB LINK

1961, Directed by Roger Corman

OK, the monster looks like a mouldy Homer Simpson. Let’s get that out of the way early on.

A gangster’s plan to make off with a large proportion of Cuba’s treasury is thwarted by the presence of Mouldy Homer, who uses his bizarre pencil-fingers to do away with various crew members. The victims should have tried poking him in his giant goggly eyes.

This is a rarity from B-movie master Roger Corman - a tongue-in-cheek parody of B-movie horror rather than actual B-movie horror. However, due to idiocy amongst its distributors, the movie was advertised as a serious monster flick, which misled and disappointed movie-goers.

Favourite bit: The monster. Undoubtedly.

IMDB LINK

AKA Earth Defense Force, Phantom 7000



1957, Directed by Ishiro Honda

They’ve come from beyond the stars to steal our women! By sending bubble-headed goons and a Godzilla-type thing.

There’s plenty of missiles, ray guns, floods and mayhem on show in this Japanese sci-fi flick. Which is how it should be, of course. I’m not sure if having the word “Mysterians” shouted by a different voice-over bloke was entirely necessary though.

Pointless Trivia! This movie’s original Japanese title is Chikyû Bôeigun (Lit. Earth Defence Force), the same name given to a series of video games based on a roughly similar premise, but with added giant insects. And early rock band Question Mark and the Mysterians were partially named after this movie.

Favourite bit: “Mogera”, the mole-faced giant robot that appears to be made out of corrugated boxes.

IMDB LINK

1977, Directed by Herb Robins

Ugh. “I know! Let’s make a movie where loads of people eat worms! Real worms! Hahahaha!” You’d expect anyone saying that to sober up and forget about it, not make the damn film.

Not that you’d know from the trailer, but the plot involves a magical worm-controlling hermit hiding said annelids in a town’s food. The consumers then turn into half-worm creatures, and thus come under the control of the hermit.

Produced by Ted V. Mikels, one of the godfathers of slightly crappy cinema, this effort mixes gratuitous real-life worm murder with z-grade special effects to create something deeply pointless. The Worm Eaters frequently features on lists of the worst movies ever made, and it’s not hard to see why…

Favourite bit: The half-worm people - they’ve just got their legs in sleeping bags.

IMDB LINK

1965, Directed by Gordon Flemyng

“Men of steel”? They’re obviously not men, are they? Tch.

A strange off-shoot and ‘re-imagining’ of the terrifyingly long-running TV series Doctor Who, this was made to cash in on the ‘Dalekmania’ of the time. Which was a bit like Beatlemania, only it involved less music and more extermination and steam.

The TV Doctor character was ditched for a human inventor played by Peter Cushing, apparently as he was more well known to the American market. Veteran trumpeter and all-round nice guy Roy Castle appears as… well… himself, and a couple of kids tag along too to add a human element. The Daleks themselves seem to come in every imaginable colour and flavour, and seemingly explode at the drop of a hat.

This did well enough to spawn a sequel (Daleks’ Invasion Earth: 2150 A.D.) where the steam-shooting pepperpots lay waste to a future Earth, although from what I remember their vision of London in 2150 was exactly like London actually was in 1950.

Favourite bit: At the start when Peter Cushing is speaking and the camera cuts to Roy Castle looking shifty, despite the way he’s obviously looking shocked and apologetic immediately before. And after.

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AKA Legend in Leotards



1983, Directed by Phillipe Mora

Well, this goes to show that Christopher Lee has had some really odd roles in his career…

A musical comedy about an alcoholic ex-superhero? Can we predict that the plot involves Mr. Midnight attacking America, The Government calling in the help of a reluctant Captain Invincible, the Captain getting his powers back, battling his demons then defeating Mr. Midnight? I think we comfortably can. Let’s hope the heavy dollop of silliness present in the trailer makes it a fun ride.

Apparently some of the songs were actually written by Rocky Horror creator Richard O’Brien, hence the similarity in sound.

Favourite bit: Christopher Lee singing about booze with a goblin.

IMDB LINK