November 2010
1 post
5 tags
Conquest
AKA Mace the Outcast
1983, Directed by Lucio Fulci
Wow, that’s a mighty over-long and silent logo sequence at the start.
Italian gore-meister Lucio Fulci turns his hand to swords and sorcery with a kind of Diet Conan offering. People fall down in water and sticks are blocked with bits of string, all to a very eighties synth soundtrack. Sadly we’re not treated to any of the...
May 2010
1 post
4 tags
Madhouse
AKA The Madhouse of Dr. Fear, The Revenge of Dr. Death 1974, Directed by Jim Clark Now this is what it’s all about - thirty seconds of shrieking and weird-masked murderers. I absolutely love how the narrator builds everything up to be a horrifying experience, then deflates the whole mood by revealing the movie is rated PG. You couldn’t make it up, etc. In case you’re wondering...
March 2010
1 post
4 tags
Disco Godfather
AKA Avenging Disco Godfather 1979, Directed by J. Robert Wagoner Everybody got their seventies bingo card ready? Get ready to tick off… Dancing, snogging, unconvincing facial hair, drugs, martial arts and roller skates. Lacking any real plot hints in the trailer, a bit of research has pieced together a rough synopsis. Apparently the irritating shouty DJ is a retired kung-fu cop and he...
February 2010
1 post
4 tags
House
AKA Hausu 1977, Directed by Nobuhiko Obayashi Now this is what it’s all about - a seventies trailer of such batshit insanity that it makes you feel confused and upset by the end of it. So what’s happening here? Starting off with some genuinely creepy goings on, it suddenly turns into a jolly teen musical, then with a terrible animated special effect we’re back into creepsville....
January 2010
3 posts
4 tags
Cinderella 2000
1977, Directed by Al Adamson Oh no! Evil Space Moustache Overlord has outlawed sex! Better sing a few songs and dress up as rabbits, then. That’ll sort things out. This is certainly the only musical-comedy-sci-fi-softcore-porn retelling of Cinderella I’ve ever heard of. Pity it looks so unamusing, although a lot of that may be down to the incredibly boring voice-over bloke. Sadly...
3 tags
The Hideous Sun Demon
AKA The Sun Demon, Blood on his Lips 1959, Directed by Robert Clarke & Tom Boutross Sunlight turns a man into a rubbery lizard thing. Would a really strong modern suntan lotion stop his transformations? This looks like fairly standard bloke-turns-into-a-psycho-monster tale from the fifties - apparently the mutation is triggered by a radioactive experiment gone awry, so it really does tick...
1 tag
We're back, baby
Trailer Club 70 has returned with an entirely new look, but the same old content. Updates will recommence NOW.
July 2009
3 posts
4 tags
I Married a Monster from Outer Space
1958, Directed by Gene Fowler Jr Typical - you marry the man of your dreams and he turns out to be some kind of rubber alien. Obvious parallels with The Invasion of the Body Snatchers aside, this looks like standard 50’s B-Movie fare. It serves up the standard menu of paranoia, dodgy special effects and men dressed up in funny Martian suits. However, unlike other 50’s B-movies this...
6 tags
Sister Street Fighter
AKA Lady Karate, Female Fighting Fist in Danger 1974, Directed by Kazuhiko Yamaguchi Action! Karate! Screaming! Weird pseudo-levitation! An awkward looking sex scene! And possibly the least convincing dummy-falling-off-a-bridge scene in history! Sister Street Fighter seems like a fairly standard seventies kung-fu flick, with plenty of punches, kicks and weird set-pieces. It’s an...
5 tags
Wheels of Fire
AKA Desert Warrior, Pyro, Vindicator 1985, Directed by Cirio Santiago Have you seen Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior? If not, ask the people who produced this movie about it. They seem to have studied it fairly closely… Wheels of Fire looks like a heady mix of Mad Max 2, Mad Max 2, softcore pornography and Mad Max 2. With the addition of the Morlocks from H.G. Wells’ The Time Machine...
May 2009
2 posts
4 tags
Robot Monster
AKA Monster from Mars, Monsters from the Moon 1953, Directed by Phil Tucker Oh, don’t look at me like that. I had to put it on here eventually. The most infamously lazy monster design in history terrifies mankind by playing with a bubble machine. Great. Although he also apparently has the power to unleash terrifying dinosaur footage edited out of another movie, One Million B.C. The...
4 tags
Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity
1987, Directed by Ken Dixon Hmmm… Slaves from beyond infinity all look like models, wear only bikinis and have naturally occurring make-up? So that’s why Buzz Lightyear was always talking about going there. This space-fantasy-meets-ultra-softcore-porno seems to have its tongue firmly planted in its cheek, which is a very good thing indeed. Especially when you have robots with...
April 2009
2 posts
4 tags
The Twilight People
AKA Beasts, Island of the Twilight People 1973, Directed by Eddie Romero Supernatural science? Aren’t those two terms mutually exclusive? This is a hideous low-budget version of H. G. Well’s The Island of Dr. Moreau, and it really isn’t afraid to show it. Crappy prosthetics, gaudy red blood, rubbish fangs and constant stock animal noises are all in evidence. They must have...
4 tags
The Food of the Gods
AKA H. G. Wells’ Food of the Gods 1976, Directed by Bert I. Gordon “Where does fiction end and reality begin?” Hint: Reality begins after all the giant chickens have gone. Trailer Club favourite and size disparity specialist Bert I. Gordon presents another tale of wrongly-dimensioned things. Mostly big rats hassling people in shabby farmhouses, by the looks of it. This...
March 2009
2 posts
4 tags
Something Weird
1967, Directed by Herschell G. Lewis Only a madman could understand it all, they say. That’s not the best indication that a movie has a clear narrative… The plot synopsis genuinely is something weird - a man is facially disfigured in an accident which also inexplicably gives him psychic powers. He is then coerced into shacking up with a grotesque shape-shifting witch who fixes his...
4 tags
Creature from the Haunted Sea
1961, Directed by Roger Corman OK, the monster looks like a mouldy Homer Simpson. Let’s get that out of the way early on. A gangster’s plan to make off with a large proportion of Cuba’s treasury is thwarted by the presence of Mouldy Homer, who uses his bizarre pencil-fingers to do away with various crew members. The victims should have tried poking him in his giant goggly...
January 2009
4 posts
4 tags
The Mysterians
AKA Earth Defense Force, Phantom 7000 1957, Directed by Ishiro Honda They’ve come from beyond the stars to steal our women! By sending bubble-headed goons and a Godzilla-type thing. There’s plenty of missiles, ray guns, floods and mayhem on show in this Japanese sci-fi flick. Which is how it should be, of course. I’m not sure if having the word “Mysterians”...
4 tags
The Worm Eaters
1977, Directed by Herb Robins Ugh. “I know! Let’s make a movie where loads of people eat worms! Real worms! Hahahaha!” You’d expect anyone saying that to sober up and forget about it, not make the damn film. Not that you’d know from the trailer, but the plot involves a magical worm-controlling hermit hiding said annelids in a town’s food. The consumers...
4 tags
Dr. Who and the Daleks
1965, Directed by Gordon Flemyng “Men of steel”? They’re obviously not men, are they? Tch. A strange off-shoot and ‘re-imagining’ of the terrifyingly long-running TV series Doctor Who, this was made to cash in on the ‘Dalekmania’ of the time. Which was a bit like Beatlemania, only it involved less music and more extermination and steam. The TV Doctor...
4 tags
The Return of Captain Invincible
AKA Legend in Leotards 1983, Directed by Phillipe Mora Well, this goes to show that Christopher Lee has had some really odd roles in his career… A musical comedy about an alcoholic ex-superhero? Can we predict that the plot involves Mr. Midnight attacking America, The Government calling in the help of a reluctant Captain Invincible, the Captain getting his powers back, battling his demons...
December 2008
2 posts
4 tags
Starship Invasions
AKA Project Genocide, War of the Aliens, Alien Encounter 1977, Directed by Ed Hunt Not just one invasion, but several! At least you get your money’s worth. So… the Forces from the Black Void have fairly simple-looking flying saucers and astonishingly appalling dress sense. But at least they can “communicate with time”, whatever that means. This was released about six...
4 tags
Deranged
AKA Deranged: The Confessions of a Necrophile 1974, Directed by Jeff Gillen & Alan Ormsby Apparently it’s ‘too late to scream’, but that doesn’t stop the women in this trailer. Don’t they listen to the voice-over? There’s some deeply unpleasant stuff with corpses going on in this one. But more unpleasant still is that it’s based loosely on the...
October 2008
2 posts
4 tags
King Kong vs Godzilla
1962, Directed by Ishiro Honda Now this is what it’s all about - two blokes in rubber suits beating the crap out of each other while Tokyo falls down around them. The King Kong suit looks a bit of an embarrassment, especially next to the rather nifty Godzilla one. Its pectoral muscles are nearly down at its waist! “Bloke from a Fancy Dress Party vs Godzilla” would be more...
5 tags
Zombie
AKA Zombi 2, Zombie Flesh Eaters, Island of the Living Dead 1979, Directed by Lucio Fulci This trailer’s soundtrack screams “Early eighties!” even louder than fluorescent socks. Italian gore master Lucio Fulci throws more blood around in this movie than most horror directors manage in a lifetime. Not that you’d know from the trailer, which appears to be a failed attempt...
September 2008
2 posts
4 tags
Attack of the Crab Monsters
1957, Directed by Roger Corman Attack of the Crab Monsters seems to do exactly what the title implies… B-Movie maestro Roger Corman provides giant crab-related shocks on a remote island. And the crabs look pretty good, considering it was made fifty years ago on a tiny budget. Something not obvious from the trailer is that the crabs talk, and apparently one has a French accent. It’s...
4 tags
Corruption
AKA Carnage, Laser Killer 1968, Directed by Robert Hartford-Davis I’m getting the distinct impression that no woman will dare go home alone after seeing Corruption. Maybe they could have given a hint as to what the film was about rather than repeating that over and over, interspersed with screaming. This is one of the lower quality horror movies that Peter Cushing appeared in during the...
August 2008
2 posts
4 tags
The Colossus of New York
1958, Directed by Eugène Lourié Wow, this ticks all the fifties monster movie boxes. A dour scientist, an inhuman brute carrying an unconscious woman, breaking glass, laser beams - it’s all here. I’m not sure what the deal is with the people standing around on a giant chessboard, though. Some idiot decides to put some poor sod’s brain in a big metal robot thing, and the next...
4 tags
Kronos
AKA Kronos: Destroyer of the Universe, Kronos: Ravager of Planets 1957, Directed by Kurt Neumann A vanguard of sudden death! Science fiction’s biggest thrill sensation! A busload of excessive hyperbole! So then - A giant cartoon obelisk (seemingly made out of stealth Lego) comes out of a UFO and starts draining the world’s energy. I wonder if there’s a metaphor for communism...
July 2008
2 posts
5 tags
Chappaqua
1966, Directed by Conrad Rooks No, your speakers have not broken. There is no sound at the very start of this trailer. Conrad Rooks wrote, directed and starred in this seemingly autobiographical tale of an extended cold turkey session, undertaken after 5 years of solid drug addiction. Sounds jolly! I’d never heard of Rooks but he appears to have been at the heart of the sixties...
4 tags
The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik...
AKA Gwendoline 1984, Directed by Just Jaeckin Stupid title? Check. Bad acting? Check. Crap dialogue? Check. Sexist tosh? Check. Crappy sub-music-video sets? Check. Looks good? Does it Heck… This trailer screams “eighties!” from every orifice, and not in a good way. And much of it makes no sense - what’s the deal with the grape on a string and the flying trident...
June 2008
2 posts
4 tags
Wicked Wicked
1973, Directed by Richard L. Bare Filmed in our latest worthless gimmick: ANAMORPHIC DUOVISION! Which is apparently a permanent split-screen effect, where one side shows what the murderer is up to whilst the other concentrates on the victims. And yes, all reports state that to be as confusing and distracting as it sounds. The sub-Leatherface murderer in this outing has a really rubbish mask. ...
4 tags
The Green Slime
AKA Death and the Green Slime, The Battle of Space Station Gamma 1968, Directed by Kinji Fukasaku Green Sliiiiiiime! Greeeeeen Sliiiiiiiiiime! Every horror movie should have its own funk-rock soundtrack. Some sterling model work kicks off this entertaining trailer, before the oddly out of place soundtrack kicks in and we see the rubbish aliens. The titular “Green Slime” don’t...
May 2008
2 posts
4 tags
Ebony, Ivory and Jade
AKA She Devils in Chains, Foxforce, Foxfire, American Beauty Hostages 1976, Directed by Cirio H. Santiago If you’re going to kidnap a load of Olympic contestants, it’s probably best to check if the group contains a trio of racially diverse super-human killers first. Research, people. “Killing is their trade!” announces the incessant voice-over guy, but I thought they...
4 tags
Sunset Cove
AKA Save Our Beach 1978, Directed by Al Adamson A bit of comedy, a bit of heavy-handed political allegory and a fair chunk of softcore pornography combine to make Sunset Cove, one of those low-budget movies that David Carradine appeared in during the late seventies. Those pesky property developers want to build condos on the beach, and only a ragtag band of clichéd idiots and underwear models can...
April 2008
2 posts
4 tags
Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things
AKA Things from the Dead, Revenge of the Living Dead, Zombie Graveyard 1972, Directed by Bob Clark Complete with unnecessary funfair music and a voice over from Vincent Cut-Price, it’s yet another rubbish zombie film! This ultra-low-budget shocker looks dreadful from the trailer, but seems to receive mostly positive reviews. Maybe it has a good plot or something. I wonder if any...
4 tags
Master of the Flying Guillotine
AKA One-Armed Boxer II, The One Armed Boxer vs. the Flying Guillotine 1975, Directed by Yu Wang It’s that rarest of things - a movie on this site that I’d actually quite like to watch! A sequel to popular martial arts flick The One-Armed Boxer, this features possibly the most unrealistic weapon ever - a small be-fanged pair of circular curtains which cuts people’s heads off. ...
March 2008
2 posts
4 tags
Pagan Island
1961, Directed by Barry Mahon Possibly the worst voice-over ever! It sounds like it was recorded by someone’s bank manager putting on a funny voice, and features far too many small details. Some really bad dancing and very tame kissing on offer in this one. The most unforgettable scenes ever brought to the screen? Somehow I doubt it… “VIOLATED by a sailor” would be a...
4 tags
Devil's Nightmare
AKA AKA The Devil’s Longest Night, Vampire Playgirls, Succubus, Nightmare of Terror, The Devil Walks at Midnight, Castle of Terror 1971, Directed by Jean Brismée Oh no, not a Devil’s Nightmare! That’s the very worst kind of nightmare! So we have a combination of priests, creepy gap-toothed men, heavily made-up succubi and people drowning in gold dust. And a lot of silence with...
January 2008
4 posts
4 tags
The Bullet Machine
AKA Clegg, Harry and the Hookers 1969, Directed by Lindsay Shonteff “This cool cat calls the shots!” Cool cat? He looks like a supply teacher. This film is what happens when low brow meets low budgets. When the narrator says that there’s plenty of feedback, he probably means the microphone wasn’t plugged in correctly during filming. Favourite bit: The purring farmer,...
4 tags
Reptilicus
1961, Directed by Poul Bang and Sidney W. Pink Some decidedly dodgy special effects on display in this monster movie. The green acid-spit / fire effect from the monster is appalling - at least they convinced some real people to ride their bicycles off a bridge. Watch the trailer again, and keep an eye on the guy’s hair at 54 seconds in. When he receives bad news it almost flies off the...
4 tags
Werewolves on Wheels
AKA Angel Warriors 2 1971, Directed by Michael Levesque Disappointingly the ‘wheels’ mentioned in the title refer to motorcycles, not rollerblades. A gang of bikers turn into werewolves after encountering some kind of devil-worshipping sect. And… That’s about it, really. It does what it says on the tin, I suppose. According to the voice-over chap this is “The most...
4 tags
Ironmaster
AKA The Iron Master 1983, Directed by Umberto Lenzi From the master of horror who brought you Cannibal Ferox, it’s… something completely different! And our first trailer that’s entirely in French. From what I can tell - Some caveman types have trouble with stock footage of animals, then discover iron, which they fashion into weapons and use to kill people in monkey suits. Then...
September 2007
2 posts
4 tags
Two Thousand Maniacs!
AKA 2000 Maniacs 1964, Directed by Herschell G. Lewis Whichever way you cut it, that’s a whole lot of maniacs. A kind of psychotic Brigadoon, Two Thousand Maniacs! features a town of ghosts which appear every 100 years in order to slaughter passers-by. And very inventive methods of slaughter they use too - one poor chap is sealed in a nail-lined barrel and rolled down a hill. This movie...
4 tags
Skatetown USA
1979, Directed by William A. Levey Patrick Swayze’s first acting job! And what a job it was too, in this holy grail of disco movies. The clothes and hair on display are nothing short of legendary. But no matter how bad it looks, at least it isn’t Xanadu… Despite a cult following this movie remains unreleased for home viewing. There must be problems with the rights to it, or...
August 2007
2 posts
4 tags
Village of the Giants
1965, Directed by Bert I. Gordon Bloody teenagers - always drinking magic potions, growing to huge proportions and taking over villages. Back in my day we were content to be werewolves. Unlike most real-life experimental drug trials, the kids don’t seem to suffer any negative side effects. Well, apart from the way they move v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y. Apparently Happy Days veteran and big-shot...
4 tags
Attack of the Puppet People
AKA Six Inches Tall, The Fantastic Puppet People 1958, Directed by Bert I. Gordon A mad scientist makes up for his lack of a loving relationship by making people very small, then killing them. He’d be better off just going to a nightclub or something. I know the drinks are expensive but he’d be saving a fortune on electricity for his bizarre gadgets. I imagine the special effects...
July 2007
13 posts
4 tags
Monsters Crash the Pajama Party
1965, Directed by David L. Hewitt The voice-over goon is more interested in hyping “Fantastic Horror Vision” than actually telling you anything about the movie, which is a shame. The “Horror Vision” consisted of a chap in a gorilla suit running into the audience and making off with an actress planted in the cinema, who then ‘magically’ appear on the screen....
4 tags
Asylum of Satan
1975, Directed by William Girdler Asylums are bad enough as it is, but asylums of Satan? They’re the worst kind! Recycled footage and dull love scenes water down this trailer considerably. I can’t help feeling that the music is far too funky - “Funky Asylum of Satan” would be a better title, though. Not-quite-cameos: One of the police-types running around near the end...
4 tags
When Women Had Tails
1970, Directed by Pasquale Festa Campanile Hurry, hurry, hurry away from the cinema before this load of tosh is shown! Some “wacky” cavemen provide low-quality slapstick, poop jokes and a hint of pornography and homophobia! Classy. And to further add to the class, the trailer sells the movie on the possibility that you’ll see the breasts of respected German actress Senta...
4 tags
The Undertaker and his Pals
1972, Directed by John Cardos An early attempt at comedy horror! Although there isn’t much comedy evident in the trailer. Does the shocked photo of a sailor count? Presumably the titular Undertaker tries to drum up business by sending out his “Pals” to murder people. I can’t imagine dipping people in acid and sticking corpses through a meat grinder did much to promote a...