Conquest

AKA Mace the Outcast

1983, Directed by Lucio Fulci

Wow, that’s a mighty over-long and silent logo sequence at the start.

Italian gore-meister Lucio Fulci turns his hand to swords and sorcery with a kind of Diet Conan offering.  People fall down in water and sticks are blocked with bits of string, all to a very eighties synth soundtrack.  Sadly we’re not treated to any of the over the top gore effects that contributed to the film’s 18 certificate.

So as far as I can make out plot-wise:  The heroes need to defeat a female, semi-naked snake-charming Destro from GI Joe.  And they do this by getting hold of the Ranger’s bow from the old Dungeons and Dragons cartoon.  I approve.

I’m slightly worried by the Charles Manson-seque symbol tattooed into the hero’s forehead, though.

Favourite bit: The juddery bow flying into the chap’s hand at the start.

IMDB LINK

Madhouse
AKA The Madhouse of Dr. Fear, The Revenge of Dr. Death



1974, Directed by Jim Clark

Now this is what it’s all about - thirty seconds of shrieking and weird-masked murderers.

I absolutely love how the narrator builds everything up to be a horrifying experience, then deflates the whole mood by revealing the movie is rated PG. You couldn’t make it up, etc.

In case you’re wondering what this film is all about - Vincent Price plays an actor who is released from a mental institution. The character he plays in horror movies then seems to take on a life of its own and start murdering people without Price being present. Peter Cushing is involved somewhere.

I will say one thing in Madhouse’s defence - the blobby fanged mask the murderer wears is pretty cool.

Favourite bit: “Rated PG.” Of course.

IMDB LINK
Disco Godfather
AKA Avenging Disco Godfather



1979, Directed by J. Robert Wagoner

Everybody got their seventies bingo card ready? Get ready to tick off… Dancing, snogging, unconvincing facial hair, drugs, martial arts and roller skates.

Lacking any real plot hints in the trailer, a bit of research has pieced together a rough synopsis. Apparently the irritating shouty DJ is a retired kung-fu cop and he sets about beating up some drug dealers who get his nephew addicted. There also appears to be quite a lot of dancing.

Clearly the way for the authorities to deal with the trade in illegal substances is to set up kung-fu discos in every neighbourhood. I’m sure the dealers will give up after having the funk beaten out of them a few times after being told to ‘put their weight on it.’

Stubborn celebrity anecdote: Quentin Tarantino paid to see this film, even after the people working at the cinema warned him not to.

Favourite bit: The repeated use of the same sound effect for nearly every punch and kick.

IMDB LINK
House
AKA Hausu



1977, Directed by Nobuhiko Obayashi

Now this is what it’s all about - a seventies trailer of such batshit insanity that it makes you feel confused and upset by the end of it.

So what’s happening here? Starting off with some genuinely creepy goings on, it suddenly turns into a jolly teen musical, then with a terrible animated special effect we’re back into creepsville. Then at 1:10 everything goes mental and we’re assaulted with screeching cats, man-eating pianos and goodness only knows what else.

A surreal and almost psychadelic mix of horror and absurdist humour, House assaults the senses with a cavalcade of ropey blue-screen effects and silliness. And excellently it’s just been released on DVD in the UK so you can give yourself a migraine whenever you fancy! Just don’t get it confused with the better known American horror of the same name released in 1986.

Bonus: You really must see these extra clips below. Seriously. I’m not kidding.
Piano Death, Banana Scene, Killer Lampshade.

Favourite bit: The disembodied fingers playing the piano.

IMDB LINK
Cinderella 2000


1977, Directed by Al Adamson

Oh no! Evil Space Moustache Overlord has outlawed sex! Better sing a few songs and dress up as rabbits, then. That’ll sort things out.

This is certainly the only musical-comedy-sci-fi-softcore-porn retelling of Cinderella I’ve ever heard of. Pity it looks so unamusing, although a lot of that may be down to the incredibly boring voice-over bloke.

Sadly “Hollywood’s Newest Discovery” Catharine Erhardt wasn’t discovered very successfully, as she only appeared in one more film and a single episode of LA Law. But she did star in the infamously perverse porno-horror Through the Looking Glass, so that’s something to tell her grandchildren when they’re over 18.

Favourite bit: The haircuts.

IMDB LINK
The Hideous Sun Demon
AKA The Sun Demon, Blood on his Lips



1959, Directed by Robert Clarke & Tom Boutross

Sunlight turns a man into a rubbery lizard thing. Would a really strong modern suntan lotion stop his transformations?

This looks like fairly standard bloke-turns-into-a-psycho-monster tale from the fifties - apparently the mutation is triggered by a radioactive experiment gone awry, so it really does tick all the appropriate boxes.

Intriguingly, comedian Jay Leno led an eighties comedy re-dubbing of the movie called "What’s Up, Hideous Sun Demon?" which by all accounts is very rude.

Why is it relevant that the monster is hideous? Is there a Beautiful Sun Demon out there somewhere and we need to differentiate the two? Maybe if we stopped insulting him he wouldn’t kill so many people.

Favourite bit: The odd gurgling noises the Sun Demon makes.

IMDB LINK
We’re back, baby

Trailer Club 70 has returned with an entirely new look, but the same old content. Updates will recommence NOW.

I Married a Monster from Outer Space


1958, Directed by Gene Fowler Jr

Typical - you marry the man of your dreams and he turns out to be some kind of rubber alien.

Obvious parallels with The Invasion of the Body Snatchers aside, this looks like standard 50’s B-Movie fare. It serves up the standard menu of paranoia, dodgy special effects and men dressed up in funny Martian suits. However, unlike other 50’s B-movies this one is apparently quite good.

Several sources say that this movie was banned in Finland. I wonder why? It seems to be fairly harmless. I can only assume that Finnish Government were all secretly aliens at the time, and were worried that releasing the film would teach the population how to see through their disguises.

I Married a Monster from Outer Space was remade for television in 1998 as I Married a Monster, splendidly featuring the lead actors from the original as an old couple.

Favourite bit: The lightning-flash-evil-face-reveal, or LFEFR for short.

IMDB LINK
Sister Street Fighter
AKA Lady Karate, Female Fighting Fist in Danger



1974, Directed by Kazuhiko Yamaguchi

Action! Karate! Screaming! Weird pseudo-levitation! An awkward looking sex scene! And possibly the least convincing dummy-falling-off-a-bridge scene in history!

Sister Street Fighter seems like a fairly standard seventies kung-fu flick, with plenty of punches, kicks and weird set-pieces. It’s an obvious off-shoot of the popular Street Fighter movies, and the mighty Sonny Chiba himself even appears in a few scenes to help things along as violently as possible.

This trailer is almost totally incoherent, and apparently the plot of the full movie is pretty much nonsense. It does looks like a whole lot of fun, though, and I think that’s what they were aiming for.

I believe this is the first movie featured on Trailer Club 70 which has been released on blu-ray (on the same disc as its sequel.) Just imagine how bad that falling dummy must look in high definition.

Favourite bit: The guy with his head stuck in the wall right at the start.

IMDB LINK
Wheels of Fire
AKA Desert Warrior, Pyro, Vindicator



1985, Directed by Cirio Santiago

Have you seen Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior? If not, ask the people who produced this movie about it. They seem to have studied it fairly closely…

Wheels of Fire looks like a heady mix of Mad Max 2, Mad Max 2, softcore pornography and Mad Max 2. With the addition of the Morlocks from H.G. Wells’ The Time Machine running about on a bridge.

A huge cast of extras and some fairly impressive looking car smashes feature alongside some utterly appalling acting. Has there ever been a post-apocalyptic daytime soap opera? If not, I’ve no idea where they found the cast for this.

Incidentally, what is going on around 1:38? It looks like the beginnings of a very odd sex scene indeed.

Favourite bit: The hero apparently jumping off a twenty-foot-high tower and landing safely by slightly bending his knees.

IMDB LINK